It’s Armageddon

It’s been the worst week ever. And, that’s saying something considering how the past five months, or the past two years, or the past four years have gone.

I’m afraid to get on the scale. It’s been a while. But, I know it’s going to read over 200 pounds or close to it. I can’t even fit into my fat jeans any more. They are bursting at the seams. Literally, I feel like two pounds of sausage in a one pound casing.

My eating is out of control. It’s so bad, I think I need a straight jacket. Whether it’s depression, stress, anxiety, fear, boredom, gluttony, the feeling of being unloved, or some combination therein, I can’t stop myself. At this rate, I will be 240 pounds by the end of the year. All I want to do is be in a dark room with the sheets pulled over my head. It’s the total opposite of where I was four years ago.

Everyday, I say today is the day, or, that it starts tomorrow. And, I fail at some point during the day. It’s sad and predictable at this point.

Of course, getting laid off five months ago and not being able to find a new job doesn’t help. That was like pouring gasoline on a fire. But, the fire was already there.

I need to find some control. I need to get on the scale today and see how far that I have fallen. I need to make my weight management my number one priority in my life now. Too many times I have put it on the back burner or let it totally fall off my radar. I need to get passionate about it again. That’s been missing for a long time. I need to exercise way more often. I need to drink a lot of water and get myself off the Diet Coke habit. I am terribly lonely. My kids are self-absorbed at this point, being teenagers and all. And, all my wife says to me these days is “No one has time for you to have a pity party at this point. Just get over yourself.” I guess she’s tired of listening to me say how much I hate my situation?

I need to start loving myself and feeling good about myself. Getting my weight under control is a huge part of that happening.

I just need to be accountable, make better choices, and not quit (even if I stumble). One day at a time, one meal at a time, one hour at a time – whatever it takes.

This entry was posted in Dealing With Challenges, Failure, Fears, Honesty, Mindless Eating, The Scale, Venting. Bookmark the permalink.

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